As of yet, Wil has not gotten any replies to his emails. He is hoping that this letter to David Axelrod will get things moving as “the Axe” is pretty much in charge of things down there.
August 4, 2009
Hello there Mr. Axelrod!
I hope I spelled your name right? Seems to me it could be spelled with an “el” or with an “le”. I saw you on the TV the other day and I was so captivated by getting to see “The Great One” on TV that I didn’t even look at the name at the bottom of the screen. But I know it was you because the things you were saying were so smart and sounded so much like the stuff that the president says that I knew it had to be you! Plus, I could tell from the great big bushy eyebrows!
I always watch the president whenever he is on the TV. Where I’m staying these days, I get free TV and all the channels I want. And no, I’m not in prison! I knew that you would think that though because you are really smart. No, I live right next to a store that sells TV’s and radios and something called “computers”, whatever that is. I actually live right in the front of that store, on the corner. 17th and Locust, northwest corner.
The TV store is right next to a bank. When I was talking to my friend Barney, I mentioned to him about having seen him on the TV which is in a store right next to the bank and how ironic that was what with him being the king of banks and all. He’s going to try to get me a small mortgage so that I can upgrade to some better living “quarters”, if you know what I mean. And I know you do because you are so smart! I know that you see and know most of what is going on today. When you say that “the people are clamoring for this” or, “the people are clamoring for that”, I know that the people really must be clamoring for whatever you say they are clamoring for.
And I’ll tell you what, Barney is trying to help me upgrade my living “quarters” but in this day and age, a quarter ain’t worth diddly.
Anyways, I could tell how smart you are and how much you know from the way you handled the questions from that nosey reporter on “Meet The Press”. You slayed him like a dragon! He tried to get you to say stuff that wasn’t true, I could tell. But you were smooth! You weren’t intimidated by that talking head at all. It was almost as if you knew what he was going to say. Like you could read right from his teleprompter or something!
Hey listen, I’m wondering if your friends call you “Axe”, or something like that? Or maybe they did when you were a kid? And I don’t mean to say you are old now! Believe me, you still look pretty darn good! You must be pushing 40? I’m pushing 40 myself. Yeah, pushing it right out in the street and under the bus! I haven’t been 40 for a long time and believe you me, you could tell just by looking at me. I look like I have 40 years of dirt caked on me. And so you would have to figure that I must be at least 42 because no mother in their right mind would let their kid outside to play in the dirt until they were at least 2, don’t you think?
I try to take a shower once in a while, just about every time it rains but the dirt just doesn’t seem to want to come off. My mother used to say “you need to scrub hard to get that dirt off because it is ground in dirt”. Ground in dirt! I always liked that one. I don’t know exactly what it means but I sure like the sound of it. She also used to make ground meat and noodles for dinner sometimes. A lot actually because we were kind of poor and now, I realize that ground meat is kind of related to “ground in dirt”. I bet that the “ground meat” probably had some “ground in” dirt which is probably why it was so cheap. And now that I’m thinking about it, I bet if she tried that on us now that you guys in the government would pounce on her like flies on, well, I guess that flies don’t actually pounce, they kind of swarm. I know that for sure because I see enough of them around here! They seem to follow me wherever I go. I know that if I told my friend Barney down there in Washington about this, he’d sure do something about it. He is the king of banks you know. I bet he could work some of his magic and take her house away from her just with a phone call. Or, he could get one of his many aids to do it for him. I know that he must have lots of aids there, don’t you think? (and all over 18 years old! Wink wink!). Well, it wouldn’t do any good now to take her house away, seeing as she’s dead now and all. But, I know what she would say if she were alive right now, Dave. She would say “Ahhhhhh! Let me out! Let me out!”
Well, even if your friends don’t call you “Ax” or, “the Axe” or something like that, they sure ought to. Because when you get into a debate about something on TV, you just “chop! Chop!” them and the debate is all over. Chop! Chop!, the Axe man has struck again. To me, it looks kind of like this:
TV Announcer: Come on now, Mr. Axelrod, you don’t seriously believe in global warming, do you?
You: Chop! Chop!, take that you nincompoop
TV Announcer: Okay, so its true. But did humans cause it?
You: Chop! Chop!, you ignoramus
TV Announcer: Okay, so we caused it. What makes you think Cap and Trade will fix it?
You: Chop! Chop!, the Axeman says so!
TV Announcer: (eyes are all bugged out now because he knows he’s been bested by the master) There you have it folks, all that global warming stuff is true and its your fault so pay up you stiffs!
You: Ahhhh, that was just too easy!
It is no shame to be bested by the master!
You could do the same thing with doctors and hospitals and stuff. Just get the president to do the same tricks he did with the stimulation, or whatever that thing is called. And don’t worry about where the money is going to come from to pay for any of this stuff. You own the printing presses! You can make as much money as you want! You guys could go to the top of every building in every city and drop wheelbarrows full of money down on the streets if you wanted to. And man, would that stimulize the economy. People would be crashing their cars into each other just to get some of that doe ray me and then, they’d have to buy new cars! They could take the money that you guys are dropping by the boatload and buy a new car from GM (some folks call it “Government Motors”!) and that money goes right back to you because you own GM and then you could just pipe it back up to the wheelbarrows on the rooftops and just keep that cycle going! After a while, you wouldn’t need to print any more money cause it would just keep recycling. Just like a beer bottle gets recycled! The people would sure love you guys then. I bet you guys could be presidents for life if you wanted to. Don’t worry about that constitution thing. Everyone knows what that thing is worth these days. About the same as a nickel which is diddly. FDR was president for life, why should he be the only one?
Anyway, I got away from the reason why I wanted to write to you. And here is that reason: I’m now pen-pals with that super secretary of secretaries, Bobby Gibbs (he didn’t say I could call him Bobby but, he didn’t say I couldn’t!). I’m also very good friends with Barney Frank (he’s the king of banks and some people say the queen of Washington although I’m not one of those people). Have you ever heard of Barney? Well, anyway, those two guys are sending me autographed pictures of themselves for my collection. I was hoping that maybe you could be my pen-pal too and also send me an autographed picture? If you wanted to send me a picture, I bet you could get Bobby to help you. Being a secretary, he knows an awful lot about how to get things done! If you have a secretary like him, I bet you would be in great shape!
Oh, I don’t mean to say that you’re not in good shape! I can tell that you are! You probably have a really good gym to work out in down there in Washington D.C. I wish I had a gym to work out in like you guys. I could join one if I had some money but being a bum, I’m kinda broke most of the time. When I do get some money, I usually spend it on staples. Well, not really staples staples. Mostly liquor and smokes.
You might not think that liquor and smokes are staples buy my mother used to say “one man’s staples are another man’s death trap”. I don’t know what she meant by that but I figure, why should I spend good money on food when I can get as much of that as I want from dumpsters behind restaurants. Believe me, Axe, nobody throws cigarettes and liquor into dumpsters. Anyway, if you guys actually did drop money by the wheelbarrow full from the top of buildings, that would be my lucky day. Especially if you did it in the middle of the night! Because on us “hardcore unemployed homeless people” (that’s the new politically correct words for bum!) are out there at night. Everyone else stays off the streets at night because they are afraid of the hardcore unemployed homeless people. But there is no reason for them to be afraid! They should come out here and see what it is like because pretty soon, the way things are going, they’re going to be out here too!
Anyway, you keep up the good work, Axe. I’m hoping that I will get to meet you at the gym! I figure that when the free health care comes out, you and me will be able to go to any gym we want and I’m going to want to go to the same gym as you because you are in such good shape! I can’t remember where I saw the two of you together on TV at the same time but I’m pretty sure I saw Barney checking you out!
So bye for now, Dave. It’s starting to rain and I wanna try to get a shower. I “borrowed” a scrubbing brush from the local hardware store and I’m gonna try to get some of this ground in dirt off. Hey, do you think I could collect it and maybe sell it to someone to supplement their ground meat? I bet some other poor schlubs like me would be pretty happy to be able to stretch a buck these days. And you know what a buck is worth these days (diddly).
Anyway Dave, you just keep pulling them strings down there and making things happen. I’m waiting with bated breath for the day when all them rich bastards get what’s coming to them. And I know that you are just the guy to do it!
Please write back and let me know how you are doing. And please send me that autographed picture for my collection! My brother says that you can send mail to his house and he will drop it off at my vent on his way to work.
Your new buddy,